im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
