Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
pray to the hookup gods
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
