Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
