Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
