The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
