Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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