so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
