Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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