When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
did i just pee glitter
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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