Already got asked if we're dating
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
