That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
