The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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