You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
