You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.