everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
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He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
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I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.