Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.