I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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