what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
