Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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