oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
