I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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