why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
