y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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