I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
