you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
