Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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