The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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