Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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