I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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