hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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