you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
