Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Randomize
