I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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