y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
