i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
