i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
