I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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