she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
