I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
