but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
