My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
