Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
