i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
