just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
