my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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