I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
