i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
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When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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