yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
