today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
