wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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