Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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