I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Four minutes until I can fart!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
