God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
