Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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