So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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