i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
