I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
