how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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