If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.