oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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