Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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