I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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